Doms and Subs : A matter of respect

A lot of people who fantasize or live in a sub-dominatrix relationship have a lot of misconceptions about the nature and amount of abuse involved in the relationship. What looks like humiliation to everyone else is the glue that keeps the couple together. However, there is a soft limit and a hard limit to the humiliation that maintains the sanity of a healthy relationship. Moreover, if you accept and understand a few facts, this relationship is pretty much similar to other healthy relationships.

You will be amazed to learn that in a healthy sub-dom relationship, although a dom unleashes a lot of abuse on his or her sub, he or she still holds a high level of respect for the sub. What happens in the bedroom (or even in public) is a part of what they want from each other, and in no way does this mean that the amount of care and love involved in the relationship is any less.

Continuing further, here are a few essential things that you need to understand if you are going to pursue an alternative lifestyle.

D/S is BDSM but a little different

BDSM has a lot of things under it, and D/S is just one of them. A lot of people think D/S is similar to SM. However, that is not true. When you chose D/S as a lifestyle, you are entering a more committed relationship. SM ends when the dom stops inflicting pain. BUT, a D/S continues no matter what. The dom is the center of the sub’s life. His or her happiness is what matters the most.

It may sound cruel and insane. However, what you read above is just one side of the coin. The other side of the coin lays down the duties of a dom. In a healthy relationship, a dom would never let a sub be in a situation wherein his or health can be in danger. A dom ensures that the sub stays in the best of health and spirit, and is treated respectfully. So, if you look at D/S as a lifestyle, both the partners ensure the happiness of the other; and that is why D/S demands more commitment than any other exotic BDSM act.

There are different levels of D/S relationships

For most people, D/S is an exotic sex act that lasts for a few hours. Then some couples pursue this lifestyle occasionally. For example, while on holiday or during the weekends. The next level of D/S lifestyle lasts for a couple of weeks every month until a severe family or relationship issue surfaces. And finally, the couples who take D/S so seriously that they stay into it 24/7 for the rest of their lives define the ultimate level of the relationship.

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We do not recommend committing to the final stage right on the first day of your experimental lifestyle. We recommend keeping it casual when you start. Practice it over the weekends, on holiday, for a couple of weeks. Even if you have been in a committed relationship from a long time, we would still recommend starting the lifestyle from the ground level. As you grow into the domina-sub relationship, you will realize the things that you like and things you do not. Building a connection from the ground will help you create and establish rules that will make the relationship last a lifetime. Plus, it will foster a newfound love and respect for each other which will keep the relationship together during the rough patches.

Traditional consent will not exist anymore

In  healthy vanilla relationships consent is involved whenever one partner wants to have sex. However, when a sub commits to a dom, he or she gives the agreement to be used in whichever way the dom seems fit for the lifetime of the relationship. The sub does not have a say in the way things proceed. Of course, he or she can give feedback, but it is up to the dom to decide what stays and what doesn’t.

Now, in a healthy relationship, while a dom has to be least bothered about the sub’s wishes, he or she will not be ignorant towards the feelings of the sub. In an abusive relationship, a dom will keep on humiliating the sub even after repetitive complaints.

If it involves risk, why do people go for it?

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A D/S relationship is more than physical satisfaction. It is about experiencing the power – given and taken. A dome is in it for the power surge he or she gets out of making another human beg for mercy and orgasm. While a sub is in it for the experience of feeling vulnerable and weak when another human (usually hotter) uses the sub’s body for his or her pleasure. The pain can be physical or mental, but satisfaction is always sexual. Thus, it is safe to say that a D/S relationship usually boils down to two things – pleasure and happiness. And, what else could you possibly want from life if you have those two?

Should you go for it?

If you and your partner have role-played a little power play in the normal course of life, you should give it a thought. However, before you begin, we recommend writing down a few rules:

  • The respect of the relationship and the individuals in the relationship should always be maintained.
  • The dom should ensure sub’s safety, and the sub will ensure dom’s sexual, physical and mental pleasure.
  • The safe word should be easy to remember.

Enjoy the new lifestyle.